From as early as I can remember I always wanted to be a mom. A young mom. I didn't want to be married for a number of years before having babies and I wanted lots of them.
Now that I am an actual mom to real human babies, I fear that I am losing who I am- who I used to be.
I find myself talking about my kids every time I open my mouth. "Henry said 'tank youp' last night without being prompted when I handed him his cheese.", "Holden slept in his crib last night- for the whole night.", "Henry can unzip his jacket himself now.", "Holden has the sweetest dimples...ever."....see I can't stop myself. I seriously could have kept writing.
I am probably the most annoying co-worker and friend. Seriously- I would be sick of hearing about H2 and all the 'awesome' things they do. But my mind is consumed of baby & toddler related thoughts...all.day.long. & it's very hard to turn off.
& on top of all the chatter about my ridiculously adorable kids...I don't really do anything for myself anymore. Sure, I take a bath by myself every night while the kids are sleeping but that really is about it. Even when I take time to make crafts [which I LOVE doing]- it's a cutie baby blanket or onesie- for the kids.
I get my adult interaction fix while I'm at work and as soon as I get home, I don't want to leave. Well I don't want to leave my boys. It seems to be getting harder and harder for me to ask family to watch the boys while Ryan and I go out and do something without the boys. I know that some of the stems from the mommy-guilt I have from working full time but I don't know if it would be much different if I was home with them.
Now don't get my wrong...I love, love, love being a mom. It's by far the most amazing and rewarding thing I have ever done in my 26.75 years of life. I wouldn't trade the sleepless nights or temper tantrums for anything. But I want to make sure I'm something other than 'Henry and Holden's mom'.
So basically I'm in a rut...
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Have I Become THAT Mom?
Posted by Jenny at 8:13 AM
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10 comments:
You basically described me to a T as well. I even annoy myself at times with how much I talk about the girls. I tell Ryan a lot of the time, I feel like I have lost myself. So I promised myself, I would take an hour each week to do something I love to do. Get a pedi, have a bath with a glass of wine, dinner with girlfriends. The guilt is there, but you need to take care of yourself!!
I think that we all feel that way every now and then. I remember times when I was out with friends that did not have children and all I talked about was the kids, they would listen but kind of do the eye roll. It is part of who we are as Mother's no shame in that, but we are also women, wives, daughters... I think that the more time you devote to everything other than yourself the deeper in the rut you will go. So get out of the house 1 or 2 times a month and make it a point to not discuss the kids. I am no expert on this, because I am far too guilty myself. But once every few moths a handful of girlfriends and myself go out (some mom's, some married, some single) and we have a no "kid talk" policy for that night. As much as it hurts at times to not discuss the kids newest accomplishment, in the end I have a great time and am very greatful to have other things to discuss!
Umm, this is me as well. I don't think it's a bad thing, but I hear where you're coming from. We need to be our own persons as well, other than "so & so's Mom."
I have felt the same way for a very long time also. I left my longtime job last May (I have 2 young kids, 14 months apart, had a 70 mile commute each day, and just couldn't do it anymore) to become a licensed childcare provider; my daycare opened in August so I had a chance to be a SAHM for a small while. Even now my daycare family is part time so I am with just my own kids every other day. Everyday I try to come up with a way to bring back a part of "ME", and it's just so hard to get to that point. After being a FT working mommy, and a SAHM, I almost think it's harder to be a SAHM. Don't get me wrong, I love being with my kids and watching them grow, but between keeping the house and laundry up, cooking (I do most from scratch), being the family accountant, and most importantly spending time with the kids, I don't find any time leftover for me (or at least the energy to go with it to do anything too productive). I will get there though...
I don't think you should feel bad about going out on a date a couple times a month...I think it will keep your relationship strong. My hubby works every Saturday and we live 30-45 minutes away from family so we rarely get out, and we really NEED to...so do it if you can!
I enjoy keeping up with your blog, and you sound like a wonderfully mommy, and bringing back a part of who you are will just make things all the better :-)
I think all moms feel that way at some point...especially when the kids are so young. It's hard to do anything without them with you or on your mind at the very least. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. And maybe you could try carving out some time to do something you enjoy, just for you (easier said than done, I know).
Mommy guilt is such a nasty demon and I can relate to this 100%! Henry is 20 months old and I've just realized how important 'me' time is.
I feel the same way. I often wonder if I drive my coworkers crazy talking about my child and the one that's on the way. You're a great Mom and you love your kids...so what! Who cares what they think :)
I am so that person. And also in a rut. It's to the point where I wonder if I should NOT be a SAHM just so we get some separation.
If only we all lived closer together and could have some more girl time! I've thought about volunteering at the animal shelter too. I just need SOMETHING to be passionate about on top of being a mom.
I've been in a bit of a funk myself lately. I literally had to force myself to do something for myself. I had a girls night out, dinner and drinks and wound up having a great time. I got my hair done, I got dressed nice and just kicked back and allowed myself to have a good time. Although I spent the entire week dreading it because all I've wanted to do lately is meld with my couch, but I'm so glad I did because it really snapped me out of it. If we lived closer we could have a girl's night. Maybe you should just move ;)
Preaching to the choir girl! I've been in this rut since Lidia was born and seems to get worse! Let me know if you find a happy medium... I'd love to know! But I think it's just part of the AWESOME job we have :)
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