This will probably be one of my more serious posts- not filled with cutie pictures of Hank but I just need to get it out there.
Ever since we found out we were expecting baby #2 in December I have been overcome with guilt- different kinds of guilt but guilt nonetheless. It first started off with me feeling really, really bad that we are jumping into another pregnancy and won't be able to enjoy every second of Henry's babyness. I mean his brother could very well be born on or before his 1st birthday- let's hope he waits until his due date [which is 3 weeks after Henry's 1st birthday]. I keep asking myself...how am I going to plan a birthday party 9 months pregnant? How am I going to be able to enjoy every second of Henry when I know how I feel while being pregnant? How am I going to be able to make sure he still feels special when Holden is born? I doubt myself...a lot.
And recently I have started feeling guilty for not enjoying & soaking up this pregnancy as much as I did when I was pregnant with Henry. I am so preoccupied with caring for Henry [which is a good thing] that I know I don't take the time to actually enjoy being pregnant with Holden. This could very well be the last time I am every pregnant and half the time I don't even remember that I am pregnant. I sorta have to remind myself when I see my reflection in the mirror and I'm like "oh yeah...I'm having another baby".
I remember when Henry was an inside baby I would talk to him everyday on my way home from work and he would just wiggle around like he knew it was me & it was our special time to just chat and be together. I want to have that with Holden but now I am too busy talking to & keeping outside baby Henry happy on my car rides home. I really need to find a special time when it is just me & Holden and I can soak up as much of this as I can because [holy smokes] I am just about half way done with this already.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom and I LOVE the fact that I am going to have 2 boys so close in age but it has been very hard for me to get past all the "what if's" and the "how are we actually going to do this". I just really hope my boys enjoy being so close in age...
This was a lot of rambling but I hope it kinda makes sense...lol.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Guilt.
Posted by Jenny at 6:13 AM
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6 comments:
I can understand your thoughts, my Sis-in-law is pregnant with number 10 and they are all 10 months to a year apart. When asked how she does it, she just smiles and says, "the love it there, it's amazing how much a heart can love. I didn't know at first how we could do it. It's about finding a balance. I bask in each pregnancy and celebrate each child like they are my only one. Not only does being do close in age have it's good moments, but my children will always have best friends. Some people think I am crazy for having so many kids, but my husband and I call ourselves blessed."
I myself even went through a bit of a spell when I was pregnant with my son and his sister was turning 3. I think it's just one of those things that happen as you have more children, you wonder if you're shorting your firstborn and how things will pan out... Don't worry, everything will be okay and your boys will be amazing friends, and you my dear will find the balance that you need to get things done. I look forward to following along more.
Mrs. Sergeant
PS. Didn't mean to make this a novel.
Thank you so much for writing this post. I have been feeling the same exact way! I have a 8 month old and expecting 2 weeks after her first birthday. I feel like I am rushing through her being a baby and not enjoying it all because I am tired from being pregnant. Also, I feel like I'm not enjoying the pregnancy as well. It's all normal for us to feel and just very comforting knowing someone else is out there feeling the same emotions. I hope it gets better for you and you will love both of them the same! I've been having doubts on how I will handle the two once they are both here. I just posted about it... maybe check it out and let me know what you think!
http://lidiaadel.blogspot.com
My girls are 13 months apart. Their babyhood is kind of a blur for me (they are 11 and 12 years old now) and it was really demanding physically.. baby #1 wasn't even walking yet when baby #2 was born. But it got easier as they got older and NOW it's nice. They are really close, really good friends. Hang in there..
I think that all of these thoughts/feelings and emotions are all completely normal. Just remember that you are a terrific mom and your baby is still going to love you SO much no matter what...both of your babies. :)
Oh hun you're doing a great job. You know the old addage, "every pregnancy is different" I think it applies in this case too. You can't be as fully absorbed in this pregnancy because you have a little one to take care of, doesn't matter if they're 9 months or 9 years apart. Things may be demanding at first, but you're a great mom and you already know the basics so it will probably be easier this time around.
I know it's scary, but you're a wonderful mother and you'll land on your feet.
I totally understand how you're feeling. Well... not like I'm pregnant, but when we had a couple of scares a couple of months ago I kept thinking the same things you just wrote!
But don't feel guilty. You SHOULD be spending all your time with Henry because he needs you right now. Holden is doing just fine safe in your belly & when he is born you will give him the same love you give Henry. Try taking some time after Henry is in bed to give Holden that special "mommy & baby" time.
I cannot imagine having another baby any time soon so you are amazing for being able to do it!!! Good luck, Jen :)
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